Chapter 17 – Homosexuality and Transgenderism
It is ironic that our culture frames the choice to pursue homosexuality or transgenderism as being true to one’s self when in reality the only way a person can experience his or her true sexual identity is by growing in oneness with someone of the opposite sex. Perhaps the root deception underlying homosexuality and transgenderism is a failure to recognize the incredible weight of glory and honor that God has ascribed both to masculinity and to femininity, which includes sexuality and romantic attraction. As one pastor said, if you fully knew all that God had in mind for you, you would never want to be anyone else.
A man can never be truly complete without a woman and a woman can never be truly complete without a man, except when called to singleness or seasons of singleness. Adam walked in the Garden of Eden in God’s presence and had perfect communion with Him, yet God still said he was “alone” without his wife and this was “not good”. For those who believe God’s word, it is incredibly foolish to still pursue homosexuality. It’s like saying to God, “I don’t need your provision for me. I’ll seek completion and companionship my own way.”
For some people, it feels easier to pursue oneness with someone of the same sex because they are similar in the way they think and feel. They are easier to understand; they are less challenging and frustrating. However, that lack of difference is precisely why they can never complete one another.
There is something beautiful about pursuing a lifetime of oneness with someone so different – not only sexually, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The opposite sex adds something to our lives that someone of the same sex never could. They awaken parts of us that otherwise lay dormant. They help us discover who God created us to be. A man discovers his masculinity and a woman’s discovers her femininity when they learn how to dwell together in intimacy.
Medical science confirms male/female differences. The hormone/chemical makeup in a woman’s brain and body has been linked to traits like sensitivity and compassion, while a man’s makeup has been linked to traits like daring, competition, physical strength, and libido.
It’s true that some women are stronger than the average man and some men are more sensitive than the average woman. However, even if a woman has an unusually strong personality or body, it doesn’t make her any less female. Likewise, being unusually sensitive does not make a man any less male. He may be better matched with a strong wife so they balance and refine each other, but he is still created to be sexually, soulfully, and spiritually compatible with a woman.
A Taboo Topic
Why would a person’s sense of identity contradict his biology (transgenderism)? Or why would a person’s sexual desire contradict his biology (homosexuality)?
If a man’s biology is designed for sexual interaction with a woman, why would his emotions or psychology cause him to desire another man? Even secular humanists should be able to acknowledge that this question is rational and worth exploring. But for some reason, it is mostly taboo in public discourse.
In some cases, the question is taboo because LGBT individuals have been mistreated, so the question feels insensitive or judgmental. In other cases, however, the unwillingness to consider the question reveals that people are not interested in what is truly best or healthy for the LGBT individuals, but are more interested in advancing a political agenda. If they really cared about the person, would they not be open to considering the possibility of an unhealthy root, at least in some cases?
Here are some questions worth considering of an LGBT person:
· Is the person’s homosexuality or transgenderism based partly on encouragement from a friend, mentor, or cultural influences or is it based purely on his or her own convictions?
· Did he or she feel attracted to the same sex as early as he or she could remember or did it arise later?
· Was it a conscious choice or was it involuntary?
· Could the same-sex attraction be related to a premature, unhealthy, or abusive introduction to sex?
· Could the same-sex attraction be related in any way to a painful emotional wound?
· If there is an unhealthy root, what would healthy sexuality look like for him or her?
Again, these should be fair and reasonable questions to consider, yet they are largely off limits in the public square. Recently a well-known celebrity said on a talk show that becoming a lesbian was a conscious choice for her rather than an involuntary compulsion. She was just being honest. Nevertheless, she was immediately lambasted by various gay rights groups for her “disparaging” and “traitorous” remarks.
To say transgenderism / homosexuality could be rooted in cultural influences or emotional wounds is considered hateful by some secular humanists. This is because the premise of their worldview is that there is no inherent truth or morality with regard to sexual identity or orientation. However, in a worldview where a loving God created men, women, sex, and marriage, it can be helpful or loving to say such things if it is done with humility and gentleness.
We Are All Deceived
Deception involves anything that it is a distortion of how God sees us. Each of us has some amount of deception. For example, every time we internalize pride or rejection, we are deceived. If we think (even subconsciously) we are more important because of our intelligence or wealth or reputation, we are deceived. If we think (even subconsciously) we are worthless and unlovable because of past mistakes or abusive treatment, we are deceived.
It doesn’t matter how strong the emotions are or how deeply they resonate, they still do not equal truth. In the same way, deception can affect a person’s sexual identity or orientation. Even if a man sincerely, deeply feels he was meant to be a woman or was meant for sexual intimacy with other men, it is still a deception.
No matter how much a man feels like a woman, there is DNA in every cell of his body that says he is a male. Likewise, no matter how much desire he feels for other men, he is designed at the cellular level for sexual compatibility with a woman. If society, friends, or family members encourage him to embrace the contradiction he feels without ever questioning the wisdom of it, is this really the best, healthiest thing they can do for him?
How Romantic / Sexual Desires Are Formed
Human beings are relational creatures. From birth, we crave affirmation. We long for physical and emotional affection. It’s like food to our souls. Without it we starve. We go in search for it wherever we can find it.
A child needs nonsexual physical and emotional affection from his or her parent of the same sex. This is a major part of what enables him or her to develop a sexual identity and feel secure in being a man or woman. When they don’t experience this affection, the ongoing need for it can influence their sexual desires as they mature.
A child also needs warmth and affection from his or her parent of the opposite sex so they can experience the opposite sex as being safe and trustworthy. If they don’t receive this, it could hinder them from developing sexual/romantic attraction toward the opposite sex as they move toward adulthood.
Feelings of romance and attraction begin forming early. If we felt perfectly loved and secure in our homes, we more easily choose healthy relationships. However, if we did not receive the love we craved, or if we carry wounds from parental abuse or neglect, we might subconsciously pursue relationships to fill that void. We might try to somehow fix the past. Unhealthy relationship patterns, whether heterosexual or homosexual, are often people’s attempts to meet a legitimate need for affection as best as they know how.
Here are some examples:
· A woman named Karen longed for warmth and affection from her alcoholic mother but instead was regularly abused, both physically and emotionally. She became a lesbian in her early adulthood. Could the two be related?
· A woman named Helen was in an abusive heterosexual marriage that eventually fell apart. Due to the pain and trauma of that experience, intimacy with a man felt scary and she seemed to find comfort through becoming a lesbian.
· An especially sensitive man named Harold was rarely shown physical affection from his father. He also became sexually active with peers at an extremely early age, beginning in grade school. He initially felt attracted to both guys and girls, but eventually gravitated exclusively toward homosexuality in early adulthood. Could his homosexuality be related to the lack of affection from his father or to experiencing sexual intimacy so early before he could really comprehend the impact of his choices?
· A boy named Hector also had a sensitive demeanor. However, the type of manhood modeled by his father never expressed emotion or vulnerability. When Hector became an adult, he desperately wanted to express his sensitive side but felt incapable of doing so as a man. He eventually concluded he must really be a woman.
· A woman named Chelsey was raised by an abusive single father who committed suicide when she was in high school. She felt no trust toward men and felt much more comfortable expressing sexual desire toward other women.
Are Helen, Karen, Harold, Hector, and Chelsey best helped by encouraging them to continue in their same-sex attraction / transgenderism without questioning whether it is built on a healthy foundation? Would they benefit from a compassionate friend, mentor, or counselor helping them honestly process through the pain they experienced and asking how it affects their romantic attachments and sense of identity today?
A Common Objection
Some people feel attracted to the same sex from as early as they can remember. This often leads people to ask, how can it be wrong if it began so early and involuntarily? It’s true that some people are more prone to same sex attraction because of personality or genetic factors. However, personality or genetic factors can also make some people more prone to heterosexual lust, pride, anger, violence, or any number of other traits. Just because a trait begins early or comes naturally does not mean it cannot be immoral. The first time I told a lie or stole something, I was about four years old. Many people I’ve talked to say the same thing. So lying and theft began early and naturally for me, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be immoral.
The Church’s Attitude
Perhaps we in the church share some responsibility for our society’s inability to have open, honest dialogue about the root causes of homosexuality and transgenderism. Perhaps we have contributed to the LGBT community becoming defensive about their same-sex attraction / transgenderism and embracing the lie that it is part of their core identity.
In an attempt to promote the Christian worldview of sex and marriage, many prominent voices have shown zero compassion for those who are in bondage to homosexual / transgender strongholds. Homosexuality and transgenderism, like many things the Bible calls sin, is often lost people’s sincere attempt to find fulfillment or relief from pain the best way they know how. They are not being willfully immoral. They don’t know God so they are easily swept up in the current of the culture. Yet we in the church have treated them like enemies. Accusatory, condemning language by Christians has greatly helped to advance the LGBT political agenda. A major Christian leader blaming 9/11 on homosexuals just after the event may have helped the LGBT agenda gain sympathetic supporters more than any public statement made in the last fifty years.
Lately, there seems to be more compassion and wisdom in Christian churches, radio, and television for how to engage the homosexual community. This is encouraging. Now, the more successful trap of the enemy may be to go to the opposite extreme, getting Christians to abandon a biblical perspective altogether. Some major Christian leaders and denominations are now claiming homosexuality and transgenderism are acceptable in God’s sight. In such cases, the church is using its spiritual authority to help the enemy further entrap the people we should be interceding for.
Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9, and 1 Timothy 1:10 all clearly identify homosexuality as sin. Some people, Christians and non-Christians, claim that Jesus never said homosexuality is a sin, but this is not true. Jesus listed fornication among the various sins that defile people in Matthew 15:19 and Mark 7:21. The word used for fornication refers to all sex outside of marriage, and Jesus plainly defined marriage as being between a male and female Matthew 19:4-6.
God in Pursuit
A man named James grew up in an evangelical Christian home and felt attracted to the same sex from an early age. When he told his family as a young adult, they angrily disowned him and cut off all contact, causing him deep pain. He feels unspeakably relieved and affirmed by the movement in our culture toward acceptance of homosexuality. I wonder how his life might have been different if, as a young man, he felt loved by the Christians in his life, even knowing they believed the same-sex attraction he felt was not what God intended for him.
Christians building friendships with LGBT individuals should not initially worry about making their beliefs known. That may come in time if the relationship deepens. Unconditional acceptance is the foundation of trust. People need to know it is safe to be authentic without feeling condemned. If trust is built first, we will have authority and credibility to honestly share our convictions if the subject comes up later.
We should be gentle and sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Only He knows what someone will be able to receive. Only He knows what will cause someone to dig his heels in and become defensive. We should be patient. It can be a years-long or decades-long process during which God works on someone in this area. We may never personally see any positive results. We may be just one of many believers God uses in His pursuit an individual’s heart over time.
Satan loves to inflict pain on the heart of God by teaching men and women to reject the sexual identities He lovingly created them with. He tells them things like, “This is who you really are. This is your true identity.” These are very powerful and persuasive lies that can deeply resonate with people feeling same-sex attraction or transgender emotions. Only the Holy Spirit, who is filled with love and compassion for that individual, can expose such statements as the lies they are. Only the power of prayer can soften his or her heart to be willing to hear the truth and repent. It is a true miracle when a person repents from homosexuality or transgenderism, but it happens every day because God loves them and He is able to deliver them.
The Condition of Our Culture
Our culture has become so perverse that children are defiled from early ages. One in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18, according to some studies. It is not uncommon for junior high and grade school children to experiment with various forms of perversion. Our society celebrates this and encourages them to openly declare their homosexuality or transgenderism in public schools. Young children are portrayed as being homosexual on popular sitcoms.
My wife knew a woman whose eight-year-old son expressed a desire to play with dolls. When the woman asked the Lord about this, she sensed Him reply, “Your son is in touch with his father-side.” Looking through a lens of innocence, this statement seems so obvious and intuitive. But our culture is so perverse and hyper-sexualized that the immediate reaction of most people would be to think this eight-year-old boy must be homosexual.
It is not uncommon for youth to have passing thoughts or feelings of same-sex attraction at some point during development, even if only out of curiosity. However, we live in such a sexually-charged atmosphere that youth feel incredible pressure to build their entire identities around their sexual feelings. In past generations, what would have been fleeting thoughts or curiosities are encouraged to be taken as firm evidence of full-fledged homosexuality or transgenderism.
My wife earned her master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from a secular university. In one of her classes, a visiting instructor actually encouraged therapists to ask their grade-school clients, “Do you feel like a boy or a girl today?” Then the therapist was to treat and speak to the child according to his response, and encourage his teachers and peers to do the same, regardless of whether it was true! How confusing and damaging! How cruel!
Children do not automatically know what it means to be a man or woman. They need role models to teach them. However, instead of affirming their true identity, deceived people today are proclaiming that sexual identity is relative, fluid, and ultimately meaningless!
Examples like this are signs of a civilization that may be on the verge of collapse. Only revival can save us. Only God and the restoration of His design for family and sexual identity offer hope for America. The family is the most basic building block of civilization. If it loses its definition, everything else that holds society together can quickly erode.
Next
In the next chapter we will return to the topic of spiritual warfare. We’ll look at three profound passages and examine their implications for marriage.